Under the knife, radiotherapy and the pump!

It was time to head back in to the consult room of bad news, every time I visited the Marsden in those initial weeks the news became more and more intense. 

But a blessing also appeared, my mum and dad had both arrived from Australia in time to support us all. They were now in charge of caring for our two precious bubs and managing the day to day running of the house hold (which to them seemed like the normal thing to do, but to me was the biggest relief!). It allowed Mark to continue heading to work and supporting the family, knowing that we were being cared for the two people that were the highest qualified for that job, my folks!

Dad would drive me into the hospital in the city of London on the days that Mark couldn't make it.(That on its own was a big help and a big deal, as driving in London city is no easy feat!) We would chat about general life, about how pretty the snow looked on the branches of the trees, and basically anything to keep my mind off the reality of the situation. (A father was driving his youngest daughter into a hospital for radio and chemotherapy.) It was comforting to just have him carrying on as normal, chatting away, especially towards the end of treatment, when I was getting extremely fatigued and couldn't even muster the strength to participate in the conversation, I didn't feel like I had to.....it was dad.

So I am back in the 'bad news' room, the operation has shown up that the cancer is also in lymph and ovaries so they will be removed. The decision was not a tough one to make, I was to complete an intensive course of radiotherapy and due to the fact that it would be targeting my reproductive system, it would render the ovaries useless anyway. SO, ovaries gone. I would also start a course of chemotherapy to work hand in hand with the radiotherapy and operations.

The positives, the chemotherapy drug being used was unlikely to cause my hair to fall out. (Major bonus as I had a crap load of hair, and I was an Australian girl living in the UK, I needed that insulation, no question!). The radiotherapy was a new trialled technique, involving targeting a more specific area, meaning that they were trying to reduce the amount of healthy cells that unfortunately are killed along with the cancer cells during treatment, resulting in fewer side effects post treatment.

Also, it meant I could keep my uterus and cervix (not that it would serve much purpose now, but the more organs I can retain the better!!).

The negatives a) Due to my ovaries being removed I was catapulted into the world of menopause at the ripe old age of 32. I remember feeling my first hot flush, I was on an 'outing' from the constraints of bed for a coffee with mum and dad. I was standing at the counter and I felt a warm tingle shoot up my back, up my neck and up over my head. It made me feel anxious, agitated and or course hot!!! Having menopause at any age is bloody unpleasant, but getting it before your biological time is down right cruel! I will however say it again, but I consider myself lucky. I know woman who have naturally hit menopause in their 20's, before they have even thought about kids, and the physical and emotional stress you are left with, is horrific, at least I had two babies. It does to this day make me feel as though I am a young soul walking around in a body that is warn out beyond it's years!

b) I have been left with a stomach and intestines that will need support and monitoring for the rest of my life. 

c)I feel like I wasn't very present in the kids upbringing in their younger years (I know I was there physically, but being that unwell, their was little energy involved), one thing I know I did really well, was show them how much I loved them, they were constantly smothered in kisses! But far out, I look back at pictures, and they were still babies!

bloody cancer!

I felt at first as though chemo was a pretty straight forward thing, head in, get weighed, insert the drip and a new cocktail of my choice would be hung for the day! Most days I went for mojito's, but when I was needing a lift I would get the nurses to tell me it was a piña colada! I would lie back in my recliner and try and snooze the day away so it went faster. I would feel 'normal' the day after having the treatment, a little tired, but that's it, but day 2-5 were the worst, I was exhausted, nauseous, vomiting and the rest (you get the picture)!  day 6 wasn't so bad and by day 7 I was feeling ok again, just in time to head back for more. All the while continuing travelling in every day for radiotherapy. But the further I got into treatment, the more intense it became, and I guess that is what you picture chemo to be like, and boy it didn't disappoint the stereotype!

 But as it got worse, that's when family and friends stepped up their game, I experienced support in every way imaginable, phone calls, texts, video's, Skype, food, and so much more to come. I had one special day when my dear friend came in to a treatment with me, sat with me to chat and just sit when I couldn't chat. Then walks in a gift  that I will never forget, a beautician their to  give me a facial and do my nails!

 I truly have amazing thoughtful, beautiful souls around me and I will forever be grateful!

  Ha ha ha....my entertainment 

The Radiotherapy was alot harder for me as it was a daily occurrence, lying still in the exact same position....they found this position as I had been tattooed on day 1 on my hips and pelvis. Just a little dot, that stays  with me, like my little daily reminder of the fight I won, those along with my operation scars on my abdomen. I would lie on the table, stare up at the illuminated green garden picture on the roof, and after a while close my eyes and do some visualisation.
I strongly  believe you should never underestimate  the power of the mind, this was one thing I COULD control. Imagine the inner health plus animated creatures and that's what I had in my head,  and they were at war. One side waere the cancer cells, they were dressed in black, with  pitch forks and the healthy cells were dressed in army greens and had massive swords, they would fight the whole time the machine was rotating around me, beeping and whirling. The healthy cells would massacre the cancer cells every time,  and that made me smile!!!!!                                                     


I guess the biggest thing about treatment that I wasn't prepared for was the way it sneaks up on you! At first I thought I was killing it, soldiering through treatments, but as the toxins built up in my system and my immune system was taking a battering (which wasn't great before I started) the sicker I got, I thought I was fighting in the beginning, but really it was just the warm up, as the saying goes.......'shit was about to get real!!'

Ding ding ding, Round 1, FIGHT!

I often use the phrase "I was lucky", seems kind of funny to say anything about Cancer is lucky, but there are a lot of factors that contribute to me feeling this way.
 The biggest factor is that I am still alive, I am here to tell my story, some of my family and closest friends parents have lost their battle with the C word, and its heartbreaking, so for this reason, "I am lucky".
The next major factor would be that I had treatment at one of the best specialist oncology hospitals in Europe The Royal Marsden Hospital, by an amazing team of Professors and Doctors. http://www.royalmarsden.nhs.uk/pages/home.aspx



For this "I am lucky", I could have just been referred to the local hospital to have my treatment carried out, but I still believe things happen for a reason and because the type of cancer they found in my cervix was not the most common type of cancer found in this area a team of specialists took an interest in my case. This lead to my transfer to The Royal Marsden, which also meant very little waiting time, within about a week of finding out I had cancer I had my first appointment with my Surgeon and a plan was being created for my care.

My first appointment was with a wonderful man named Dr John Butler and an amazing nurse Olive Griffiths. Walking through the doors of the Marsden for the first time was a bizarre experience, I know I felt nervous, but remember, nurse Heidi is in the drivers seat by now! I remember passing people through the hospital thinking, "Poor things, I wonder what cancer they have, how horrible, they must feel so scared and they are so young!"  Not considering for one minute that I am one of 'those' people, and I was actually one of the youngest.

Dr Butler and Olive were extremely welcoming, calming and warm, which was just what was needed. Mark and I sat, listened and realistically probably took in every third word that they said.  None of the words that were being said frazzled me, because I knew all the medical terminology. Mark was understandably tense, but I just nodded until a particular question was asked. I was like, "Shit, spark up Heid it's a very intense personal question, you'll have to take this one!" Nurse Heidi took a break for a moment.
Dr Butler has been through the facts about where we are at with the information we currently have. I have cancer in the cervix, but the type of cells aren't often found in the area they were in, so looks like we are going to take a 3 pronged approach, surgery, chemotherapy and radiation!
Then he hits me with, "Radiotherapy will be a major component in us beating this cancer, I guess what we need to establish before anything else goes ahead, are you happy with your family as it is?"
Ummm.......... what? What did he just say? Ummm...........sorry, what?
Marks already answering and then nurse Heidi stands up again and pats me on the back, sit down luv, you're alright, I'll get it!
I tune back in Dr Butler and Mark are talking "The radiotherapy, as it will be focused in the female reproductive area, will hit the ovaries and you will be unable to have more children."
Mark speaks up first "Well if that's what happens and it means I still have Heidi around then lets start now!" And I chime in " Yes, we wanted more children, but I need to just focus on the healthy, beautiful blessings I have now and get through this....alive".

Its funny how your initial instincts are always right....but doesn't mean they are always the easiest. My head was saying go ahead with what you know will give you the best odd's for an outcome which involves me still being around for my husband and babies, my heart is screaming (quietly) say no, say no, we want more babies, tell them, we have actually been trying, maybe they can........ Nurse Heidi bops emotion on the head, 'snap out of it'. And there starts the internal struggle that I will carry with me, always.

I have now been told that first things first, there will be an operation to just have a look around inside and see what we are actually dealing with. So the next day, I am back in hospital for my first procedure. This doesnt' phase me at all, once again I guess this is another time I say "I am lucky", I am a peri operative nurse, so going into theatre I actually feel quite calm, cracking jokes with the staff and Dr Butler asking me if I want a job when I have finished beating cancer! (really did love that man!)
First procedure down.........unfortunately turned out that I was in for a lot more than I had originally hoped, but still I choose to fight!