Fade taking over the Fight.....

Picture the cancer ride like a roller coaster.....not a plain up and down roller coaster, one of those hair raising, scream your lungs out, fear for your safety, loop de loop, front ways/back ways/side ways kind of coaster!
Some days you would cruise along, other days you would spend becoming closely acquainted with the toilet and more days than I would like I spent vertical either in bed, on the lounge, on the radio table or in a hospital bed. To be honest I couldn't even begin to develop any kind of routine or try and figure out what day was ahead  of me, my body would react differently every step of the way.
I became a master at hiding how I really felt, everyone felt so helpless as it was, I certainly didn't want to make it worse. Besides I was a big believer in trying to stay positive, so I was "faking it" in the hope I would trick myself!! But behind closed doors, it was real, very real.
I tried to maintain normality as best I could, I distracted myself in the early stages with my sewing, I continued heading to the markets selling my teepee's, it was something that made me feel 'normal'.

Raw Heid and Ma Petite Lola take on the English Winter Markets

Christmas came and I was a few weeks into treatment so was slowly starting to feel worse and worse, I felt pretty weak and pretty sad, I am a very festive kinda girl and Christmas is "the most wonderful time of the year", so even though I felt rubbish, I donned a 'merry' jumper and a smile, and stepped out for some festivities..........

Griswold's family Christmas

 Christmas Day rolled round, I was allowed the day off from treatment, YAY! I was a lucky girl, because although cancer had managed to stuff up many plans we had made, Christmas was one to remember! Not just because of cancer, but because we got to spend it with beautiful friends, mum and dad. My sisters and I would joke that I couldn't bare the thought of having a Christmas away from mum and dad so i went and pulled the cancer card to have them with me!! ha ha "Such a hypochondriac."
I also received a Christmas present from all of my friends, organised by one special,  beautiful soul all the way on the other side of the world......I will tell you about that one.....later.

UK family Christmas Happy Snaps

Christmas was lovely, quiet for me, but lovely. The snow was falling, which was perfect because there was no guilt for lying in bed all day....not that I had a choice, but it was comfortable snuggling under the covers when I got back from treatment. 

However the further into the treatment I went the harder it got, why? Because the toxins that remained after the chemo and radio were slowly but surely building up faster than my poor body could fight them.

 Now into January and this is when I felt like my fight was starting to fade. 

This is when there were more times than I care to remember when Mum or Mark would come and check on me and all I could muster up were tears, lots of tears, "I don't want to do this anymore", "I CAN'T do this anymore!" This was followed with a hug, just a hug nothing much needed to be said, just them being there and rubbing my back and saying, "I know Hun, I know". That was the best thing they could have said and done. When you feel like that, you don't want to hear....."Stay positive, you are going well, you'll be right, just keep fighting" (which in a normal situation would be appropriate, nothing about cancer is normal!) At this point I was just exhausted, pissed off with life and pissed off with positivity!!

I remember clearly mum coming up, making the bed around me so it would be comfortable, changing pillow slips and rubbing my back and when I told her I couldn't do this anymore, she simply said "I know Hun, it's just not fair, this is just bloody cruel!"and with that I felt a bit better, oddly enough, hearing some  negativity was just what I needed to make me feel better.

 I had another sleep, woke up, waddled downstairs, gave mum a smile and she passed me yet another bowl of mashed potato (the only thing I could stomach that would give me a little fuel). 

                                                                                                                        

A few more cherished visitors arrived, and I tell you this was just the lift I needed to make me realise that life was continuing outside my cancer world. They sat with me, once again not needing to say anything, just be there. They gave dad a much needed break from the daily drive into the city and they were extremely good entertainment for the kiddies........watching them play with the kids gives me the flash as to what the hell I was actually fighting for, life, family, friends!!

It's nice to look back at these photo's, the happy times in the darkest days, unfortunately I thought my health couldn't get much worse....it did, much worse.

My body was becoming more and more frail with each treatment, blood tests became draining, chemo became near impossible (due to lack of veins) and my roll as a mum and wife was non existent, I couldn't participate in day to day conversations. People talking to me, the phone ringing, any external stimuli I couldn't cope with, the only place I found peace sadly was in my bed.

My haemoglobin wasn't high enough for what they needed it to be for radiotherapy to continue being effective and I was coming up to the last major rounds of treatment, so blood transfusions were required. 

My body was taking a hammering internally, but trauma was now presenting externally as well. Without being to graphic, everything was going straight through me and I was now starting to experience raw skin on the tail end, it was horrific, painful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I grinned and bared it as best I could, then I went in to the Marsden for another blood transfusion and didn't come back out for a few weeks when treatment was complete. Mark,mum and dad were all glad they didn't let me come home, just simply because they knew how much pain I was in. So there I stayed, I completed the last few weeks of radiotherapy and then it was time for the final round of internal Radiotherapy. Yep its sounds as horrible as it was!

My Guardian watching over me

                                                                                                                I would go into it, but I don't think its necessary, this was the most confronting situation I had been in, I was honestly ready to throw the towel in, I felt alone, I was scared, I was in unimaginable pain and I was defeated. I was bed bound in the same position for 48 hours, it was pretty uncomfortable and undignified. I likened the moment they removed the internal radiotherapy to labour, and I can tell you I was as relieved that it was over as the day I had given birth! I returned to my room feeling numb and relieved all at the same time, over the next few days the pain machines were removed, I slowly began to mobilise and was able to shower myself again etc The happiest moment was having nothing attached to me and being able to sit up and hold my babies.             

My babies coming to visit after my last treatment

As quick as it began, it was finished.........the daily visit to the hospital turned into weekly visits, the constant blood tests continued, but were further apart, and slowly but surely I started to feel a little human again. Pretty broken, but human. I was so happy to be finished, the only problem is that , I felt like, OK its over, I should be right now, back to it!! I was, well..... wrong, and it is going to be a very long, hard, and confronting journey figuring out that the Aftermath of Cancer is actually as tough as having cancer itself....for very different reasons.