So, we get given the news that nobody wants to hear, and quite frankly nobody really expects to hear, we got dealt the cancer card!
I say we because it becomes very apparent at this stage that it isn't just me that gets cancer, yes I was the one that went through the physical stuff (and I am not taking away from the severity of that) but my husband, the kids, our parents, siblings and all our closest friends went through every step with me, suffering when I did, and doing their best to lift me when I needed.
Telling my parents was one of the toughest things to do, I can still remember telling them we need to skype and the look on their faces when I said that shit C word. Mum said (as all mums would) "oh hunni, are you okay?" and dad (as you could expect him to say!) "Well of course she's not alright hun, jesus!" That was probably the best response, it kind of made me smile. Within a day or so they were on their way to Sydney to get on a flight to live with us for as long as we needed, an open ended ticket transporting my two guardian angels!
Telling Marks folks wasn't much easier, but Mark's mum's nursing side soon kicked in and she was trying to find every known solution to 'fix' me, speaking with all the medical team she had around her for their advice, opinions etc, because "nothing was going to take their Heid's"
I say they were the toughest to tell, but only because I knew it would break them to have one of their children suffering, but honestly telling anyone was bloody hard for me. I used to feel so so sad having to tell anyone, funnily enough, not worried about what I was about to go through but because I knew it would upset them and they would be worried about me (and most friends and family lived oceans away). I didn't want anyone worrying about me!! Probably because A) I had always been the go to girl to help fix problems, a good ear to listen/shoulder to cry on, hence why I am a nurse!! and B) Once a woman becomes a mother they seem to loose all ability to give a shit about themselves above anyone else (especially their babies!)
Bizarre thought process to have right? Maybe to some, but for me it was self preservation, it was holding onto that familiar part of myself which was the carer, in this time of chaotic unknowns!
I think this is something anyone going through a tough time will resonate with, a basic human necessity is comfort, we always feel safest when we feel comfortable, even if sometimes the thing that makes us feel comfortable isn't good for us, we still feel better when its with us. Examples: A mother of a newborn who really needs to have a sleep when her baby has one, but instead wants to feel like she is still in control of her 'normal' life, so runs around cleaning, doing washing or even entertaining friends. This isn't what she needs, nor is it what is best for her, but she does it non the less because it makes her feel comfortable! The problem with this behaviour is that soon enough the energy runs out, she becomes exhausted, she looses all control and life seems in a spin. (Yes, this is something I experienced) I repeat the process again when I am diagnosed (and now in hindsight) all the way through my treatment. I take the process on as if its something that is happening to someone else, I cant deal with all the what if's, I have babies and a husband, the what if's petrify me. So I remain the carer.....worry about others worrying about me! That works.....right?? Well, for a little while at least.
Thinking back when I was telling my sisters and close friends I don't even think I cried, I was just very matter of fact and kept saying, "It's alright, don't cry, I'm going to be fine, I've got this". I didn't feel sad as such, just in self preservation mode, a mode where I held everything at arms length so as to not get too overwhelmed. I then started making Mark tell people, or I would email people as I couldn't bear hearing anyone else's sorrow over the phone. I even got all my football family to come over for morning tea so I could tell them all at once, because I couldn't bear doing it individually.
I did cry then.....that was tough, all their beautiful faces looking up at me with dis belief and all wanting to fix me! They were some of the strongest support that got me through that time and they may not know it, so now they can realise, that the little gestures or hugs, food and books all helped.
When your overwhelmed sometimes the gestures that seem the smallest to you, may just be the most important to the one struggling. This was probably one of the only times I cried, that was before I actually started treatment.
It was about time to put my game face on....... Heidi takes a metaphorical seat and nurse Heidi jumps up! Right Biatch going by the name of Cancer, throw what you got at me I'm about to start swinging....HARD!
Thursday 25 June 2015
Tuesday 9 June 2015
Lets give a little background
In 2009 my hubby, Mark signed a contract to continue his rugby league career on the other side of the world. Excited, nervous and eager to move on to another chapter we packed up and set of on our next adventure together. Being together from 15/16 years of age we already had quite a few adventures up our sleeves, but this one was set to be VERY different right from the start.
I was pregnant with our first bub, as most parents are, we were pumped and could not wait, anxious a little nervous, but more than anything ecstatic. Becoming parents was one of the first things we talked about at the ripe old age of 15/16 years......one day when we get married......how many kids do you want to have?......so young, so sweet, and oh so in love!
We lived in south Wales, no family around, but we were lucky to have a very lovely crew around us in the players, wives and girlfriends at the club. Our parents flew over for the birth of Raleigh, our first born BIG boy! The first year was a whirl wind as most new parents experience! Having a new born with all your support networks around is stressful enough, so doing it alone was pretty intense, I think we did a bloody good job, but hindsight is amazing and looking back I wish i could hug myself and say its ok to ask for help.
We then moved to Chester with a club that needed some new direction, new leadership.
SO there was stress on our family with all the unknowns of the club, as well as a new baby and now a new town!
Its completely normal (right?) to at this stage, ignore listening to your own body and stressors and decide another bub is what we want most (and we did). With a little persistence we were blessed with baby number 2 another BIG baby girl, Jolie.
The excitement in our life is at an all time high (excitement/delirium, who could tell the difference). It is at this point (once again in hindsight) I feel my health started to take a turn for the worst. My body had taken a battering with the births of my beautiful but huge babies! Both nearly 10 pounds and births that were long and overdue, I can tell you now, there ain't nothing natural about childbirth!! I mean bits came out, bits got stuck in, bits got torn, bits got poked and prodded, and for weeks to follow weeks were sore and down right UGLY! Now that's not even diving into the hormonal side, I was a she devil, up and down like a yo yo, perfectly delightful to those in public and then at home my head would spin 360's like something from the exorcist when hubby asked what do you think we should have for dinner! Thought's would fly through my head that were beyond crazy, which I kept ignoring and it would be another 12 months before I would be told by my doctor I had post natal depression.
Let's recap (for my benefit....holy crap, I'm already exhausted and I haven't even scratched the surface!) Living in a foreign country, two small children, no family around, and now Marks work is proving to provide the most stress to our family! I get sick....again, this time I am taken to hospital by ambulance, Mark holding our 4 month old and our 2 year old watching me head off for god know's what reason! I am told I had an attack of pancreatitis, following this is months of tests, a juggle to continue breastfeeding with my milk supply dropping and me feeling like an exhausted hypochondriac.
After all of this we find out that the owners of Mark's rugby league team, the Celtic Crusaders had been using our hard earned money that was meant to be being placed in an account for us as a retirement fund, had been stolen and they were using our money to pay bills at the club........and to this day we still don't have our money. Yep that's right, a club that is part of the English Super League was able to defraud it's players of their hard earned money, the money that was going to set our family up on return to Aus.
I still firmly believe to this day that the stress caused by this club on my family was a major contributing factor into my illness.......we will save that for another blog, it gets my blood boiling!
It's time to move on, needing a fresh new start for our strong little family Mark signs with London, and its move number 3. Now for all intents of purpose this blog is highlighting all the stressful points during our time overseas, so I can paint a picture of the health path that led to where I am today, but let me assure you we had some bloody amazing times whilst we were there too! Memories that will never be outshone by the bad times!
We are now living in London, happy, seemingly healthy, and making more and more beautiful friends, which will soon become part of our strong family network.
It is in this first year in London I am told that I have post natal depression and it has probably been present since having Raleigh, I actually feel quite relieved and positive about life moving forward, surely I'll start feeling a million dollars soon.
Jolie is now 16 months old and I have been having a little discharge for a while now, and Mark and I make the bold decision to try for baby number 3....or how did Mark put it, lets practice without protection. So I made an appointment to have a pap smear and have everything checked as it had been 2 years since my last check.
A few days later we head back to Aus on a holiday for the off season of footy. I was unwell the whole trip, but so were the kids, however I couldn't fight mine and ended up with pneumonia, I became well enough to fly back to the UK, AWESOME!
Without realising this is the point life will start to change, dramatically!
We are jet lagged and start to unpack and I casually shuffle through the mail that has piled up behind the door (mailboxes in the door, quite a cute English thing!). There are 3 letters from the doctors, "We have scheduled an appointment for as follow up regarding an abnormal result on your pap smear",
"Your appointment is on the ........", "Dear Mrs Bryant, you have missed your appointment, please contact us to reschedule".
Hmmmmmm, okay shit, that's never happened before, my pap's have always been fine. I still wasn't majorly concerned, being a nurse, I know its fairly common for a pap to come back with abnormal cells showing up and there are quite simple procedures to take care of it.
I have my appointment and after being up in stirrups with alot of hmmm's and ummm let me just take a biopsies, my concern was starting to rise. My nurse then explains she is concerned with what she has seen and I will be contacted withing the week with a follow up.
That was a long week! I was phoned on the Friday and told to come in on Monday for an appointment with a Doctor and bring someone with me........great, nothing like a good weekend to google all worse case scenarios!
Mark and I head into the doctors......."I'm sorry you have cancer" the words know one wants to hear. My initial reaction was to giggle (a little hysterically) and ask if they had the correct file? Mark's initial reaction..... so when does she have her operation to take everything out?
After this news, its hard to explain, but life when into a bit of slo mo, kind of blurry.
Cervical Cancer, ok, I got my head around that, and a number of people kept saying, "well if your going to get cancer, that's the one you want!" pfffffft umm ok, cool, lucky me! I get what thye were saying and trying to make me feel better, but sometimes things are better left unsaid. Problem is, with every doctors appointment that followed the news just seemed to get worse, this meant Cervical Cancer, which had spread to Ovaries and Lymph node. So a little op turned into surgery, Chemo and Radiotherapy.
This brings us to the C word, I actually still hate saying Cancer, I feel like it doesn't even deserve a title! ha ha I had a husband and two kids, there was no other option but to FIGHT, and fight hard and fast, no serious thought involved, it was a no brainer, lets kick its ass with every option available to us so I am still around to watch my babies grow!
SO Fight or fade, at this point I chose to Fight........
I was pregnant with our first bub, as most parents are, we were pumped and could not wait, anxious a little nervous, but more than anything ecstatic. Becoming parents was one of the first things we talked about at the ripe old age of 15/16 years......one day when we get married......how many kids do you want to have?......so young, so sweet, and oh so in love!
We lived in south Wales, no family around, but we were lucky to have a very lovely crew around us in the players, wives and girlfriends at the club. Our parents flew over for the birth of Raleigh, our first born BIG boy! The first year was a whirl wind as most new parents experience! Having a new born with all your support networks around is stressful enough, so doing it alone was pretty intense, I think we did a bloody good job, but hindsight is amazing and looking back I wish i could hug myself and say its ok to ask for help.
We then moved to Chester with a club that needed some new direction, new leadership.
SO there was stress on our family with all the unknowns of the club, as well as a new baby and now a new town!
Its completely normal (right?) to at this stage, ignore listening to your own body and stressors and decide another bub is what we want most (and we did). With a little persistence we were blessed with baby number 2 another BIG baby girl, Jolie.
The excitement in our life is at an all time high (excitement/delirium, who could tell the difference). It is at this point (once again in hindsight) I feel my health started to take a turn for the worst. My body had taken a battering with the births of my beautiful but huge babies! Both nearly 10 pounds and births that were long and overdue, I can tell you now, there ain't nothing natural about childbirth!! I mean bits came out, bits got stuck in, bits got torn, bits got poked and prodded, and for weeks to follow weeks were sore and down right UGLY! Now that's not even diving into the hormonal side, I was a she devil, up and down like a yo yo, perfectly delightful to those in public and then at home my head would spin 360's like something from the exorcist when hubby asked what do you think we should have for dinner! Thought's would fly through my head that were beyond crazy, which I kept ignoring and it would be another 12 months before I would be told by my doctor I had post natal depression.
Let's recap (for my benefit....holy crap, I'm already exhausted and I haven't even scratched the surface!) Living in a foreign country, two small children, no family around, and now Marks work is proving to provide the most stress to our family! I get sick....again, this time I am taken to hospital by ambulance, Mark holding our 4 month old and our 2 year old watching me head off for god know's what reason! I am told I had an attack of pancreatitis, following this is months of tests, a juggle to continue breastfeeding with my milk supply dropping and me feeling like an exhausted hypochondriac.
After all of this we find out that the owners of Mark's rugby league team, the Celtic Crusaders had been using our hard earned money that was meant to be being placed in an account for us as a retirement fund, had been stolen and they were using our money to pay bills at the club........and to this day we still don't have our money. Yep that's right, a club that is part of the English Super League was able to defraud it's players of their hard earned money, the money that was going to set our family up on return to Aus.
I still firmly believe to this day that the stress caused by this club on my family was a major contributing factor into my illness.......we will save that for another blog, it gets my blood boiling!
It's time to move on, needing a fresh new start for our strong little family Mark signs with London, and its move number 3. Now for all intents of purpose this blog is highlighting all the stressful points during our time overseas, so I can paint a picture of the health path that led to where I am today, but let me assure you we had some bloody amazing times whilst we were there too! Memories that will never be outshone by the bad times!
We are now living in London, happy, seemingly healthy, and making more and more beautiful friends, which will soon become part of our strong family network.
It is in this first year in London I am told that I have post natal depression and it has probably been present since having Raleigh, I actually feel quite relieved and positive about life moving forward, surely I'll start feeling a million dollars soon.
Jolie is now 16 months old and I have been having a little discharge for a while now, and Mark and I make the bold decision to try for baby number 3....or how did Mark put it, lets practice without protection. So I made an appointment to have a pap smear and have everything checked as it had been 2 years since my last check.
A few days later we head back to Aus on a holiday for the off season of footy. I was unwell the whole trip, but so were the kids, however I couldn't fight mine and ended up with pneumonia, I became well enough to fly back to the UK, AWESOME!
Without realising this is the point life will start to change, dramatically!
We are jet lagged and start to unpack and I casually shuffle through the mail that has piled up behind the door (mailboxes in the door, quite a cute English thing!). There are 3 letters from the doctors, "We have scheduled an appointment for as follow up regarding an abnormal result on your pap smear",
"Your appointment is on the ........", "Dear Mrs Bryant, you have missed your appointment, please contact us to reschedule".
Hmmmmmm, okay shit, that's never happened before, my pap's have always been fine. I still wasn't majorly concerned, being a nurse, I know its fairly common for a pap to come back with abnormal cells showing up and there are quite simple procedures to take care of it.
I have my appointment and after being up in stirrups with alot of hmmm's and ummm let me just take a biopsies, my concern was starting to rise. My nurse then explains she is concerned with what she has seen and I will be contacted withing the week with a follow up.
That was a long week! I was phoned on the Friday and told to come in on Monday for an appointment with a Doctor and bring someone with me........great, nothing like a good weekend to google all worse case scenarios!
Mark and I head into the doctors......."I'm sorry you have cancer" the words know one wants to hear. My initial reaction was to giggle (a little hysterically) and ask if they had the correct file? Mark's initial reaction..... so when does she have her operation to take everything out?
After this news, its hard to explain, but life when into a bit of slo mo, kind of blurry.
Cervical Cancer, ok, I got my head around that, and a number of people kept saying, "well if your going to get cancer, that's the one you want!" pfffffft umm ok, cool, lucky me! I get what thye were saying and trying to make me feel better, but sometimes things are better left unsaid. Problem is, with every doctors appointment that followed the news just seemed to get worse, this meant Cervical Cancer, which had spread to Ovaries and Lymph node. So a little op turned into surgery, Chemo and Radiotherapy.
This brings us to the C word, I actually still hate saying Cancer, I feel like it doesn't even deserve a title! ha ha I had a husband and two kids, there was no other option but to FIGHT, and fight hard and fast, no serious thought involved, it was a no brainer, lets kick its ass with every option available to us so I am still around to watch my babies grow!
SO Fight or fade, at this point I chose to Fight........
Time for pen to paper......(fingers to keyboard)
When life takes you on a mammoth roller coaster ride and you manage to come through the loop de loop with only a little vomit on your lap, you must ask your self the question, do you get off the ride and clean myself up or do you sit in the putrid and think about how much you stink??
Do you fight or do you fade??
I have recently come through the other side of a mammoth ride and I am still asking myself the same question. So it's time to start putting all my thoughts out into the universe and see if I can A) give myself an answer and B) maybe help someone else going through the same journey realise what they are feeling is "normal".....whatever that is?
Everyone is fighting a hard battle! Each individuals battle is hard to them, it doesnt matter how small it may seem to an outsider, to each individual their problems are hard, and so in some way this blog will resonate with everyone! I am realising more and more the older I get that anxiety, depression, anger, stress is not selective, it doesnt only affect those with the 'big' problems, it affects everyone in some way, for a particular length of time. How you deal with it is the pivotal factor.
Do you fight or do you fade??
I have recently come through the other side of a mammoth ride and I am still asking myself the same question. So it's time to start putting all my thoughts out into the universe and see if I can A) give myself an answer and B) maybe help someone else going through the same journey realise what they are feeling is "normal".....whatever that is?
Everyone is fighting a hard battle! Each individuals battle is hard to them, it doesnt matter how small it may seem to an outsider, to each individual their problems are hard, and so in some way this blog will resonate with everyone! I am realising more and more the older I get that anxiety, depression, anger, stress is not selective, it doesnt only affect those with the 'big' problems, it affects everyone in some way, for a particular length of time. How you deal with it is the pivotal factor.
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