It was time to head back in to the consult room of bad news, every time I visited the Marsden in those initial weeks the news became more and more intense.
But a blessing also appeared, my mum and dad had both arrived from Australia in time to support us all. They were now in charge of caring for our two precious bubs and managing the day to day running of the house hold (which to them seemed like the normal thing to do, but to me was the biggest relief!). It allowed Mark to continue heading to work and supporting the family, knowing that we were being cared for the two people that were the highest qualified for that job, my folks!
Dad would drive me into the hospital in the city of London on the days that Mark couldn't make it.(That on its own was a big help and a big deal, as driving in London city is no easy feat!) We would chat about general life, about how pretty the snow looked on the branches of the trees, and basically anything to keep my mind off the reality of the situation. (A father was driving his youngest daughter into a hospital for radio and chemotherapy.) It was comforting to just have him carrying on as normal, chatting away, especially towards the end of treatment, when I was getting extremely fatigued and couldn't even muster the strength to participate in the conversation, I didn't feel like I had to.....it was dad.
So I am back in the 'bad news' room, the operation has shown up that the cancer is also in lymph and ovaries so they will be removed. The decision was not a tough one to make, I was to complete an intensive course of radiotherapy and due to the fact that it would be targeting my reproductive system, it would render the ovaries useless anyway. SO, ovaries gone. I would also start a course of chemotherapy to work hand in hand with the radiotherapy and operations.
The positives, the chemotherapy drug being used was unlikely to cause my hair to fall out. (Major bonus as I had a crap load of hair, and I was an Australian girl living in the UK, I needed that insulation, no question!). The radiotherapy was a new trialled technique, involving targeting a more specific area, meaning that they were trying to reduce the amount of healthy cells that unfortunately are killed along with the cancer cells during treatment, resulting in fewer side effects post treatment.
Also, it meant I could keep my uterus and cervix (not that it would serve much purpose now, but the more organs I can retain the better!!).
The negatives a) Due to my ovaries being removed I was catapulted into the world of menopause at the ripe old age of 32. I remember feeling my first hot flush, I was on an 'outing' from the constraints of bed for a coffee with mum and dad. I was standing at the counter and I felt a warm tingle shoot up my back, up my neck and up over my head. It made me feel anxious, agitated and or course hot!!! Having menopause at any age is bloody unpleasant, but getting it before your biological time is down right cruel! I will however say it again, but I consider myself lucky. I know woman who have naturally hit menopause in their 20's, before they have even thought about kids, and the physical and emotional stress you are left with, is horrific, at least I had two babies. It does to this day make me feel as though I am a young soul walking around in a body that is warn out beyond it's years!
b) I have been left with a stomach and intestines that will need support and monitoring for the rest of my life.
c)I feel like I wasn't very present in the kids upbringing in their younger years (I know I was there physically, but being that unwell, their was little energy involved), one thing I know I did really well, was show them how much I loved them, they were constantly smothered in kisses! But far out, I look back at pictures, and they were still babies!
bloody cancer!
I felt at first as though chemo was a pretty straight forward thing, head in, get weighed, insert the drip and a new cocktail of my choice would be hung for the day! Most days I went for mojito's, but when I was needing a lift I would get the nurses to tell me it was a piña colada! I would lie back in my recliner and try and snooze the day away so it went faster. I would feel 'normal' the day after having the treatment, a little tired, but that's it, but day 2-5 were the worst, I was exhausted, nauseous, vomiting and the rest (you get the picture)! day 6 wasn't so bad and by day 7 I was feeling ok again, just in time to head back for more. All the while continuing travelling in every day for radiotherapy. But the further I got into treatment, the more intense it became, and I guess that is what you picture chemo to be like, and boy it didn't disappoint the stereotype!
But as it got worse, that's when family and friends stepped up their game, I experienced support in every way imaginable, phone calls, texts, video's, Skype, food, and so much more to come. I had one special day when my dear friend came in to a treatment with me, sat with me to chat and just sit when I couldn't chat. Then walks in a gift that I will never forget, a beautician their to give me a facial and do my nails!
I truly have amazing thoughtful, beautiful souls around me and I will forever be grateful!
Ha ha ha....my entertainment
The Radiotherapy was alot harder for me as it was a daily occurrence, lying still in the exact same position....they found this position as I had been tattooed on day 1 on my hips and pelvis. Just a little dot, that stays with me, like my little daily reminder of the fight I won, those along with my operation scars on my abdomen. I would lie on the table, stare up at the illuminated green garden picture on the roof, and after a while close my eyes and do some visualisation.
I strongly believe you should never underestimate the power of the mind, this was one thing I COULD control. Imagine the inner health plus animated creatures and that's what I had in my head, and they were at war. One side waere the cancer cells, they were dressed in black, with pitch forks and the healthy cells were dressed in army greens and had massive swords, they would fight the whole time the machine was rotating around me, beeping and whirling. The healthy cells would massacre the cancer cells every time, and that made me smile!!!!!
I guess the biggest thing about treatment that I wasn't prepared for was the way it sneaks up on you! At first I thought I was killing it, soldiering through treatments, but as the toxins built up in my system and my immune system was taking a battering (which wasn't great before I started) the sicker I got, I thought I was fighting in the beginning, but really it was just the warm up, as the saying goes.......'shit was about to get real!!'
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